to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
