Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
