I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
