I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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