i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
