i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
