maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
