What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
