I want to have your abortion
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
