Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think my fart just growled at me.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
