Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
