I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
