My hand turned me down
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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