Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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