You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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