i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize