I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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