I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
