It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
