I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So much Jack, so little girl.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize