god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
