Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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