woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
