I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
