I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
