oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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