i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Congratulations! We have a period
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
