I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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