Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he wants to bone in the snuggie
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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