@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
