I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
