I think I died a long time ago.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
