I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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