UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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