Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
