I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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