i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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