I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
