i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
