The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
