it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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