So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
