to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize