I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize