I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
