Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
