After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
