You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
