omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
