I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
