Your face is a jimmy john
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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