The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I deserve this hangover.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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