I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
