remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
