even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
