can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
