I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
