I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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