Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
