Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
God, I missed his penis.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
